blogging, blogging, blogging.
My aunt called last night and asked me to go into town. (I think she wanted to get me out of the house.)
So she said she'd call me at 10.30 to make sure I was up.
This morning, 10.30, the phone rang.
ME (in bed): Why do these idiots keep ringing me!? I'm not answering. *turns over*
I then realised that I'd looked at my clock and it was 10.30. So I ran downstairs and picked up the phone just as she put it down. I called back and said, "Nooo. I was up." Lies.
So, went to town. Didn't really do much. Fell in love with Savannah. She's the cutest. ^_^
Picked up Shannon. Came home. Looked through DA. Naked French people. That's it.
mmmyep.
O_o

Ooo, aren't they pretty.
And the word for today is, "Fluoxetin"
Or Prozac to the rest of us.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/drug/p30-p05.html
It says it can cause weight loss and it impairs your driving reactions.
YAY.
-_-

I was sat next to my grandma's bed and she turned and looked at me and said my name.
I was almost happy for a second.
-_-

I just spent the last hour talking to every member of my family. That includes mother, sister, aunt and grandma.
I admitted some things to my mum which even scared me. I can't even remember what tehy were now but it made me realise I'm in a worse state than I even imagined.
My mum was saying she was scared for me. After hearing myself talk, I'm scared for me too.
I don't know what else to write. If I remember what I've been saying then I'll blog later. Otherwise I'll see what the doctor has to say tomorrow.
I'm gonna ring work now to tell them I'm not coming in anytime soon.
-_-

Hmmm. Jet just stole my cake and ate it.
Yeah, there was really some point in blogging THAT.
My appointment at the doctor's is for Monday morning.
Yay.
Meh.
-_-

"I have a feeling that you're riding for some kind of a terrible, terrible fall. But I don't honestly know what kind.... It may be the kind where, at the age of thirty, you sit in some bar hating everybody who comes in looking as if he might have played football in college. Then again, you may pick up just enough education to hate people who say, 'It's a secret between he and I.' Or you may end up in some business office, throwing paper clips at the nearest stenographer. I just don't know.
This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started."
Mr Antolini.
The catcher in the rye.
-_-

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
-_-

My cousin came down to my grandma's last night because I'd come out of the house and left the keys on the outside of the front door. The first thing he said to me is that I get skinnier each time he sees me.
He took my sister and me home but drove all the way to town first to buy me food.
I ended up losing about £6 somewhere. I think I probably threw it in the bin outside the cinema by accident.
My mum's calling up the doctor to arrange for me to see someone. Someone to 'talk to.' I think we all know what that means. WOO, more medication. Fun.
-_-

Hm. So now I've seen what a deathbed looks like. It was the strangest situation I've ever been in. The way everyone looked. Their faces. I don't think I'll ever forget them. It reminded me of a war film. One of those scenes where it shows you all the soldiers waiting the night before a battle. Everyone was sat there just waiting for the inevitable to happen.
I really couldn't keep from crying. I had to leave the room twice.
I'm so drained right now. There's so much in my head.
I really want to leave. Just walk out the door and carry on until I end up somewhere different. I almost did twice tonight.
I can't really think of a way to end this post so I'll just fade out...
.....
....
...
..
.
-_-

I don't think I've ever blogged this much in one day.
My Grandma's had all her medication stopped. They're just waiting for her organs to fail. She wont last the night.
-_-

I just drank a full bottle of beer in one go. I don't like beer. Fun
O_o

Everytime I talk to my mum I seem to hear that my grandma has gotten worse. There's that much emotional stuff going on in my life at the moment I've kind of had an overload. I don't really feel anything about anything any more. Just a general huge depression. It makes me feel even worse about myself when I think that I can't be truly upset about it.
I've never really been upset by death though.
I just wish I had some emotion left that wasn't bad. I physically hurt all over. It's like a dull pain throughout my entire body.
Meh.
It's been this bad before. I just hope it's not prolonged. I'd rather not spend another New Year in the hospital.
O_o

My grandma's now so ill she can't eat. She was taken into hospital yesterday for tests. None of us thought she'd come out. We didn't think she'd be able to make it through the day. She did though.
I was reading a newspaper article about the meaning of life according to different philosophers. One of them said that you should ask yourself the question, "Why don't I kill myself?" I've actually asked myself this question lots of times. I realised early this morning that I don't have an answer any more.
I've just got home from my 4th driving test, which I failed again.
I've never in my life felt the way I'm feeling right now.
I dont think I'm going to come out of it.
-_-

Random blog. I've had this picture ages. I just saw it and wanted to put it on now I can. It really impressed me. The writing's part of the colouration of the apple's skin. It's great.
^_^

Is it a Lion? Or is it an Eskimo? Who knows.
O_o

Apparently I don't use this properly anymore. Which I guess is true. It's just, most of the time, I don't have chance or just can't be bothered to blog.
There're also a lot of things going on that I just don't want to talk about really.
Hm, just got a call from SIF saying they want me to work tomorrow, for the day. *shrug* may as well.
So, today. I went to work, that was unbelievably hard. Then I went to the doctor's again. My throat's just infected if you want to know. She says it's nothing more.
You know what? Anyone reading this would probably think that sounds really pathetic and overly emotional. It probably is, but I've never had emotions before. I'm going to use them.
Meh
gone
-_-

I've finally managed to get pictures on this thing. My wristband from Leeds. There you go.
^_^

Just back from Leeds festival. It was pretty horrible. The entire place was just full of people drinking or getting stoned. None of it was about watching bands as far as I could see. It was just so annoying.
I didn't really see that many people. There weren't that many people on I really wanted to see. There were a lot of big bands on. The type you should see 'cause you'd not really get the chance to any other way, but I didn't really care that much. I saw Jurassic 5 who I've loved for years. They were really great and I got to see Funeral for a friend which was full of emo kids so you can imagine how much I liked that. But, it reminded me of the missus so it was nice in that way. Most of the other people who were on I didn't get to see.
Ooo, I randomly met Gandhi in one of the tents and stayed with him for a while. That was pretty cool.
Then, the best part, Naomi called me on Sunday night. It was so great. I was feeling so uneasy and isolated being in a place like that where I knew no-one there was like me in any way. It was the first time we'd really spoken like we used to since I'd met her in March. It made me feel so much better and happier than thougth I could be anymore after the year up until that point.
It woke me up and reminded me of a person I used to be. That I want to be again.
Hopefully I will be one day.