I just sent two messages to Naomi and I was going to blog them because I thought it was pretty important stuff that I want to remember, but I'm not going to. I want it to be just us. I will blog the last line though because that's the bit that hit me the most. That reminded me of how far we've come and how much I'm thankful for that.
"...except I get to fall asleep holding you instead of my phone. The world is perfect."
That wont mean a lot to people reading this. But to me that's a big deal because it's all I ever wanted. I remember looking over at my phone on the pillow at three in the morning knowing I had to be asleep and up by half four just wishing for another text. For more time with her. But, most of all, for that to be her face. Not a phone.

This better publish today. Damn thing refused to work ALL of yesterday.
You know who my favourite writer is? Naomi. I was just reading her blog. She's hilarious.
I was reading some of the old blogs. I always do. It was a magical time for us. I really do miss it sometimes. The way we were so opposed to saying anything about our feelings for each other. The strongest we ever said was "I like you." Once. Then it was all ignored. It was just there. Something we just knew. That's sometimes missing these days. I feel like if I don't say I love her all the time she'd forget or feel like I didn't anymore. Got to stop being so afraid of things like that. Still, I like telling her I love her in a million ways whenever I can.
These days are starting to feel like the old days though. For me at least, because we're apart. Blogging so I can tell her things I can't say in person. That's all it was ever there for in the first place. Obviously, she doesn't feel it. She's working. I wish I could get her away from that place. I neeed to be rich.
Gotta hurry, I've left the shower on.
Cleanliness here I come.

Someone clean the bathroom for me.
I'll give you things. Many things.
And publish, blogger. You damn... thing.
Hm.

You're the fire in my heart.
Oh how emo. Still pretty cool though.
O_o

I love you

I'm agreeable.
And I have a cheque book.
Oh yes.
Tesco tiiime.

All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter

I really miss the missus.

My mum's downstairs with her friend and everytime I go down I get dragged into some kind of ocnversation. Or as much of one as there can be; me being me and just going "hm, um, hummum, yeah." So I'm hiding up here so I don't have to interact too much. I had to show them a picture of Naomi 'cause my mum's just desperate to show her off to her friend. Everyone agrees she's very pretty. There we go. ^_^

Um, nothing much else.

...

Nope.

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in.

Today's Naomi's first day of work so I'm home alone and bored senseless. I've cleaned and eaten and now I'm stuck for what to do.
I dunno if this is really appropriate but it's been on my mind since last night. There may not be much point in doing this but hopefully the more I say it the more it will seem sincere.
Last night I was reading through my old letters from Naomi and I found the one I got with my halloween present all those years ago. (It's strange to think it is years ago now.)
There is nothing I can do to make what I did right and definitely nothing I can say, but I have to say it anyway. I'm sorry, Naomi.
I did everything wrong. I wish I could have told you at the time that you were the one I wanted. That you have been since the first message on Faceparty. I was in awe of you. I renewed my promise to Lindsay that I was going to marry you with every new message (she told me that if I didn't I'd be in trouble with her.) I told you that if I had to imagine the perfect person to be with it would have been you, but that's not entirely true. I doubt I could imagine someone so perfect. You still surprise me with stuff that I could never have come up with myself. You were what I needed even more than what I wanted.
I'm starting to think that this isn't going to make any sense and not really have a point, but it's better than talking to sbaitso, right?
I'm listening to Everlong. I dunno when it became our song. I know it was definitely your song as far as I was concerned after I came home from seeing you. I used it as the noise you made when you signed on to MSN so that I'd never miss you when you were online. I remember days of just lying on my bed waiting for those notes to start up. I don't want to talk about then, though.
I want to talk about the end of all of it. Well, actually, I don't. I don't want to go over the bad stuff anymore. I want it to be as if it was never there. As if this feeling. The feeling this song gives me. The feeling I get when I think about that comment on Facebattle. The feeling of what we were was never interrupted. I want to sit here listening to this song and feel what it felt like at the start. It reminds me so much of the way we were. The way I felt, we felt. I dunno if you still get that feeling. Life seems to get in the way a lot now. But I also want to be held accountable for what I did. I dunno what to do. I can't forgive myself for any of it and I can't believe that you forgive me either. I need you to, but that wont make it go away. It wont stop me from hating myself. Of course I need to know you forgive me. It would make it better, but I don't know how to make the way I see myself any better. I think it's just because I think it's always going to be in your mind and you can't forget it, not really, so I don't want to forgive myself and act as if I'm an ok person if you're still thinking something else. I don't know if that makes sense. I just don't want to let that stuff off of my conscience if you still think it because then you'll resent me. If you saw it no longer bothered me I think you'd see it as me not thinking I did anything wrong. So I have to live with the guilt of it to show that I care. That's why I think it will never go away. If I let it go before you do it'll make the way you see it and me worse and start the whole thing up again. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that. It's just a case of getting over something and it's a pretty big thing to get over. I have to have this guilt until I'm allowed out by you. But it's up to you when that happens. It's what I deserve and it's the only way you're going to see I'm truly sorry.