Hmmm
O_o
Friday, April 30, 2004
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Hm. I wonder how far I can actually run my body into the ground before it turns round and gives up on me?
I've been sleeping VERY strangely recently. Usually go to bed about 7 in the evening then randomly wake up every couple of hours until work at half four. Or just not sleep at all for two days at a time.
I've also not eaten anything but half a can of tuna, 6 crackers and two bars of chocolate in the past 60 hours. O_o
I feel quite strange, but I'm not actually hungry OR tired. This is all going to lead to trouble.
Feeling very lightheaded and more than a little weird I sent Naomi a long, rambling e-mail which I don't recall all the contents of. Hmm. Probably a bad idea.
On a lighter note I have tickets to see Dylan Moran on the 10th of May and Brand New on the 13th. WOO.
So, I'm now going to go and lay on my bed in a daze and probably fall asleep.
-_-
I've been sleeping VERY strangely recently. Usually go to bed about 7 in the evening then randomly wake up every couple of hours until work at half four. Or just not sleep at all for two days at a time.
I've also not eaten anything but half a can of tuna, 6 crackers and two bars of chocolate in the past 60 hours. O_o
I feel quite strange, but I'm not actually hungry OR tired. This is all going to lead to trouble.
Feeling very lightheaded and more than a little weird I sent Naomi a long, rambling e-mail which I don't recall all the contents of. Hmm. Probably a bad idea.
On a lighter note I have tickets to see Dylan Moran on the 10th of May and Brand New on the 13th. WOO.
So, I'm now going to go and lay on my bed in a daze and probably fall asleep.
-_-
Monday, April 26, 2004
Hm, I used to go days or even WEEKS without blogging. Now I do it more than once a day sometimes. It's becoming a bit of an obsession. What's the point really? Who even wants to read this stuff? Still, it keeps me amused.
So, sleep. After only getting 8 hours since Friday I fell asleep at about 8pm yesterday and then woke up about 11. I then proceeded to talk to Chlo on MSN (btw, checked old man pyjamas are the coolest. We decided.) until 2 this morning before realising I'd not slept again. Naomi came online for about two minutes but didn't say anything to me. Murgh. She's got a lot of stuff going on at the moment and I really wish I could help out in some way but I get the feeling I make it worse. We don't seem to be able to talk anymore. I dunno. I really miss how we were. I don't think it's ever going to go back to that though. Everything's a bit of a mess. I REALLY don't know how to deal with the emotions I have for her. Denial's always good though.
Decided to walk home again today. Bought a Ben and Jerry's ice cream sandwich thing made with two cookies. ^_^ It was very impressive. Instead of walking home down the main road I decided to go through the woods and over the fields. About halfway through the woods I came to a part that was completely carpeted in wild flowers. The entire floor was a sea of purple and green with just a path through the middle. It was incredible and the smell was amazing.
Said "good morning" to two old men. I love being randomly friendly to people when you can tell they deserve it.
I ended up walking in a circle and coming back on myself so that I could walk around my old high school. I stumbled onto the path that I used to follow out of school and instantly felt like I was twelve again. I used to be SO relieved when I was walking up that hill because I was getting away from school.
Got very dusty and was perhaps overly amused by the fact dust came off my boots when I walked. O_o hm.
Now what... I've got nothing to do anymore. I should sleep I guess and maybe eat. I need to remember that my body needs sleep AND food to function. I don't seem to give it either recently.
Hmmm, yeah
^_^
So, sleep. After only getting 8 hours since Friday I fell asleep at about 8pm yesterday and then woke up about 11. I then proceeded to talk to Chlo on MSN (btw, checked old man pyjamas are the coolest. We decided.) until 2 this morning before realising I'd not slept again. Naomi came online for about two minutes but didn't say anything to me. Murgh. She's got a lot of stuff going on at the moment and I really wish I could help out in some way but I get the feeling I make it worse. We don't seem to be able to talk anymore. I dunno. I really miss how we were. I don't think it's ever going to go back to that though. Everything's a bit of a mess. I REALLY don't know how to deal with the emotions I have for her. Denial's always good though.
Decided to walk home again today. Bought a Ben and Jerry's ice cream sandwich thing made with two cookies. ^_^ It was very impressive. Instead of walking home down the main road I decided to go through the woods and over the fields. About halfway through the woods I came to a part that was completely carpeted in wild flowers. The entire floor was a sea of purple and green with just a path through the middle. It was incredible and the smell was amazing.
Said "good morning" to two old men. I love being randomly friendly to people when you can tell they deserve it.
I ended up walking in a circle and coming back on myself so that I could walk around my old high school. I stumbled onto the path that I used to follow out of school and instantly felt like I was twelve again. I used to be SO relieved when I was walking up that hill because I was getting away from school.
Got very dusty and was perhaps overly amused by the fact dust came off my boots when I walked. O_o hm.
Now what... I've got nothing to do anymore. I should sleep I guess and maybe eat. I need to remember that my body needs sleep AND food to function. I don't seem to give it either recently.
Hmmm, yeah
^_^
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Friday, April 23, 2004
I love spring. Decided it was such a nice day that I'd forget the fact I'm incredibly sleep deprived and walk the three miles home from work. Got my trousers snagged on something and ended up with a two inch tear up the left leg. Although, when I looked, there was nothing to snag them on. So I jumped to the conclusion that it was some kind of trouser tearing imp...as you do.
Kept getting random memories of being in Tesco with Naomi. Made me feel quite bad. I really should have tried harder when I was there. I get the feeling I probably came off nonplussed by the whole thing. I REALLY wasn't. Just being with her was amazing. I just wasn't sure how to act around her. I didn't want to be too affectionate towards her in case it made her feel weird. Still, I managed to do that anyway. Meh, too late now.
Stopped at a petrol station I've not been in since I was at school. It seemed strangely cold and clinical. Can't quite put my finger on why. Bought some Dandelion and Burdock. Seriously, how can people NOT like that!? It's great.
Stopped in to see my mum at work for a few minutes...nothing much happened there.
Was walking down the road and suddenly got a memory of playing Peter Pan with my cousins when I was little. We gathered up dust and gravel from the road and put it on each other's heads saying it was pixie dust. O_o Completely normal childhood. *nods*
Someone on my road saw fit to put England flags out of all of their windows to celebrate St. George's day. Hm.
Now I'm sat eating warm croissant and watching the end of Kill Bill thinking, "why?" May be going to see part two later with my sister. Again, "why?"
Anyway that's it for now. OOO, look at me using my blog for it's INTENDED purpose instead of whining.
Woot
^_^
Kept getting random memories of being in Tesco with Naomi. Made me feel quite bad. I really should have tried harder when I was there. I get the feeling I probably came off nonplussed by the whole thing. I REALLY wasn't. Just being with her was amazing. I just wasn't sure how to act around her. I didn't want to be too affectionate towards her in case it made her feel weird. Still, I managed to do that anyway. Meh, too late now.
Stopped at a petrol station I've not been in since I was at school. It seemed strangely cold and clinical. Can't quite put my finger on why. Bought some Dandelion and Burdock. Seriously, how can people NOT like that!? It's great.
Stopped in to see my mum at work for a few minutes...nothing much happened there.
Was walking down the road and suddenly got a memory of playing Peter Pan with my cousins when I was little. We gathered up dust and gravel from the road and put it on each other's heads saying it was pixie dust. O_o Completely normal childhood. *nods*
Someone on my road saw fit to put England flags out of all of their windows to celebrate St. George's day. Hm.
Now I'm sat eating warm croissant and watching the end of Kill Bill thinking, "why?" May be going to see part two later with my sister. Again, "why?"
Anyway that's it for now. OOO, look at me using my blog for it's INTENDED purpose instead of whining.
Woot
^_^
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Hmm, feeling kind of strange today. "Like a retard that doesn't know he's retarded." Um, kinda O_o Spent 5 hours lay on my bed last night staring at the ceiling/wall (depending on my position obviously) thinking. I probably don't need to say what I was thinking about. Didn't really come to any conclusions on anything. Drifted in and out of sleep and ended up in a general state of vegatativeness (I think that's a new word there!) Got up at three and wandered aimlessly round the house until it was time for work.
Headed to town after work for job number 2. Spent another £70 at the video store. Bought a Brand New album, Snow Patrol's album, Kill Bill (even though I didn't like it that much O_o must stop buying films I don't like.) Roman Holiday (Audrey Hepburn *swoons*) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the movie (yes, I know, I'm COOL ^_^)
Then walked 20 minutes out of my way so I could sit in the park and eat pasta and cheese (yep, they SELL it like that, you couldn't have been THAT wrong Naomi.) Sat in the park listening to Snow Patrol (mainly 'Run' still) and thinking about more stuff. Figured a few things out, not that it helps much. Um, stared at my shoes, mmm converse, then headed to the bus stop.
Did everything I had to do at SIF then sat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS waiting for my money but finally told them I'd come back and get it tomorrow. Sleep deprivation started to catch up on me and I was sat thinking and came out with the gem "That leaves me with the predicament of air and upsidedownness." My ACTUAL words.
Sent Naomi a message saying that I got the feeling she didn't want to talk to me...she didn't reply. There's my answer I guess. Would stay up and wait for her to come online to ask what's wrong but she'll probably just snap at me again. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I've told her how I feel about her, and about everything that happened, the rest is up to her. To be honest I've got a pretty good idea how this'll turn out and I'm not sure I want to be there when it happens.
So yeah. That's today.
Sleep -_-
Headed to town after work for job number 2. Spent another £70 at the video store. Bought a Brand New album, Snow Patrol's album, Kill Bill (even though I didn't like it that much O_o must stop buying films I don't like.) Roman Holiday (Audrey Hepburn *swoons*) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the movie (yes, I know, I'm COOL ^_^)
Then walked 20 minutes out of my way so I could sit in the park and eat pasta and cheese (yep, they SELL it like that, you couldn't have been THAT wrong Naomi.) Sat in the park listening to Snow Patrol (mainly 'Run' still) and thinking about more stuff. Figured a few things out, not that it helps much. Um, stared at my shoes, mmm converse, then headed to the bus stop.
Did everything I had to do at SIF then sat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS waiting for my money but finally told them I'd come back and get it tomorrow. Sleep deprivation started to catch up on me and I was sat thinking and came out with the gem "That leaves me with the predicament of air and upsidedownness." My ACTUAL words.
Sent Naomi a message saying that I got the feeling she didn't want to talk to me...she didn't reply. There's my answer I guess. Would stay up and wait for her to come online to ask what's wrong but she'll probably just snap at me again. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I've told her how I feel about her, and about everything that happened, the rest is up to her. To be honest I've got a pretty good idea how this'll turn out and I'm not sure I want to be there when it happens.
So yeah. That's today.
Sleep -_-
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
Wow. How messed up am I?
Schizoid
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."
Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Hmm. No comment.
O_o
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
Wow. How messed up am I?
Schizoid
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."
Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Hmm. No comment.
O_o
Monday, April 19, 2004
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Friday, April 16, 2004
Monday, April 12, 2004
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Gimme a chance to do a hip hop dance! says:
the most strange thing that ever happened 2 me was when some guy came up 2 me and said "hi! how are you? here, have a cigar."
Something never meant to be. Everything you meant to me. Wake me when this punishment is done. says:
:|
Gimme a chance to do a hip hop dance! says:
still have it
Something never meant to be. Everything you meant to me. Wake me when this punishment is done. says:
you TOOK it?
Gimme a chance to do a hip hop dance! says:
well he just put in my hand and continued walking
Something never meant to be. Everything you meant to me. Wake me when this punishment is done. says:
hmm
Strange
O_o
the most strange thing that ever happened 2 me was when some guy came up 2 me and said "hi! how are you? here, have a cigar."
Something never meant to be. Everything you meant to me. Wake me when this punishment is done. says:
:|
Gimme a chance to do a hip hop dance! says:
still have it
Something never meant to be. Everything you meant to me. Wake me when this punishment is done. says:
you TOOK it?
Gimme a chance to do a hip hop dance! says:
well he just put in my hand and continued walking
Something never meant to be. Everything you meant to me. Wake me when this punishment is done. says:
hmm
Strange
O_o
Friday, April 09, 2004
WOOO. Lemon ice tea. All is right with the world. Actually I'm not sure if i like it that much. It just seems more right than the others. I've just bought a Harry Potter scarf. Huzzah! It's THE coolest item of clothing I've EVER owned... or it's the geekiest thing in the WORLD. Either way, I love it.
^_^
^_^
Saturday, April 03, 2004
CUSTOMER: "What do you call the fatty tissue surrounding the vagina? The wife."
ME: *Fake smile* "Heh heh. Yeah." ACTUALLY thinking: "I want to stab you in the eye with this pen."
THAT is one thing that I've hated about myself for years and after this week I've decided it has to stop. One person I didn't want to be fake around was her and I couldn't help it.
I hate people. Yet I'm friendly to everyone. I just smile and nod. I try to get on as well as I can without causing offence to anyone. I act happy to put other people at ease. Well I'M not at ease around them because I'm being extremely fake and I HATE it. Why should I make myself uneasy to make THEM feel better.
So here you are. I scowl all the time. That's how I look. I'm not bored. I have a bad attitude. I don't jump around and act happy all the time. It doesn't mean I'm NOT happy. I have a bad attitude. I probably don't like you and I'm not going to pretend I do anymore.
Hmmm. I've not really thought out what I want to say so that may not make much sense. I'll probably rewrite it later when I've given it more thought.
ME: *Fake smile* "Heh heh. Yeah." ACTUALLY thinking: "I want to stab you in the eye with this pen."
THAT is one thing that I've hated about myself for years and after this week I've decided it has to stop. One person I didn't want to be fake around was her and I couldn't help it.
I hate people. Yet I'm friendly to everyone. I just smile and nod. I try to get on as well as I can without causing offence to anyone. I act happy to put other people at ease. Well I'M not at ease around them because I'm being extremely fake and I HATE it. Why should I make myself uneasy to make THEM feel better.
So here you are. I scowl all the time. That's how I look. I'm not bored. I have a bad attitude. I don't jump around and act happy all the time. It doesn't mean I'm NOT happy. I have a bad attitude. I probably don't like you and I'm not going to pretend I do anymore.
Hmmm. I've not really thought out what I want to say so that may not make much sense. I'll probably rewrite it later when I've given it more thought.
Friday, April 02, 2004
O_o Well, that was... strange. When I first saw her I was ACTUALLY shocked. I can't even BEGIN to describe what her smile was like.
But... as things went on I could tell she regreted asking me over and it made me feel quite awkward around her. I REALLY couldn't be myself and that just made it worse.
I'm not sure how she feels about me now but, meh, emotional rubbish. There was just too much there to begin with and neither of us knew how to handle it.
Emotional retards *nods*
^_^
But... as things went on I could tell she regreted asking me over and it made me feel quite awkward around her. I REALLY couldn't be myself and that just made it worse.
I'm not sure how she feels about me now but, meh, emotional rubbish. There was just too much there to begin with and neither of us knew how to handle it.
Emotional retards *nods*
^_^
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